This post is all about my breastfeeding experience and has no additional pictures of anything new (except for the one right below) --- so feel free to check back another time if you're not interested in hearing these details. It is a venting session. :)
I know I said that 6 months went by super quick, and it did. We almost have a 7 month old!
But then when I stop and think about it, there are certain things with Sam that seem like they happened years ago.
It seems like forever ago that we were buying newborn size diapers, and being those over-protective parents that didn't want to take their child out in public because of germs. It was awhile ago when we had to work so hard to get a little side smile out of Sam, and now he is this super giggly little human. But for me, personally, it seems like forever ago that we were going through our breastfeeding struggle.
Sam's six month birthday made me feel like the struggle was over.
When I got pregnant, one of the first decisions I thought about and made was that I was going to breastfeed. Most of my friends here in North Dakota breastfeed their babies. They act like there really isn't a choice. You have a baby. You breastfeed until they are at least six months, and that is it. End of story.
So of course I would do it. My body is made for it, so why not?
Hmmm.......
When I first started breastfeeding in the hospital, it was difficult ---- right from the start it was tough. It didn't seem like Sam was latching right, I was trying all of these different positions, and as the mom, it seemed like it couldn't be anyone else's fault but mine. My body was made to do it, so clearly I was doing something wrong. He was for sure getting something because he didn't seem starved --- but it was just such an ordeal every time. I stayed in the hospital for two days after Sam's birth just for the help. There seemed to be a nurse in with me during every feeding to assist in getting Sam in position and help me to focus and relax (which required way more fondling of my boobs than I would have liked, but I was determined to get it, and that was just the price I would pay). Before we left to take Sam home, I had resorted to a nipple shield. It worked a little better, but they warned me that I would need to wean him off of it in the next fews days after we got the hang of it.
BAD IDEA.
We went home with the mindset that we would use that shield for a few days and then things would be good. We would just take it away and he would continue to latch and we would be in the groove. But things only got worse. The shield is very difficult to keep in place while feeding, and it actually decreases the amount of milk your baby gets ---- so it only frustrated him more. It got to the point where he knew what was coming and he would literally take his little newborn arms and push away from me as hard as he could as he screamed for his life. It was the most upsetting situation I had ever been in. I was told that breastfeeding was the best kind of bonding you could have with your baby. It encourages skin to skin contact and allows you to provide something for them that no one else can. It is a special time between the two of you......right? Not. Even. Close. I was torturing him every time we tried to feed, which then tortured me. It was horrible. We both did lots of crying!
We called in a lactation consultant to work with us and to see if she would have any additional insight. She came to the house a few times a week for a couple of weeks and we never had any luck. She thought maybe Sam was tongue tied, so she put in orders to our doctor to have him assessed. The doctor's response after checking him over was "Nope. He is perfect. Not tongue tied one bit." So that ruled out that potential obstacle, but I was still determined that Sam would have breastmilk. It was no longer a desire but a challenge to myself. That brought on the love-hate relationship that I would have with my breast pump.
After each time I tried to directly feed him, I would pump. I wanted to get any milk that was produced and not consumed (which was most of it). I wanted to encourage my body to keep producing, but most importantly, since Sam hadn't gotten much directly from me, I fed him that bottle to get him full. I was trying to keep it as a last resort, but it had become our normal feeding routine.
Sam took those bottles like a champ ---- as a newborn he would down 4 to 5 ounces in about 7 minutes. This method seemed to work for him. And if it worked for him, it was going to have to work for me.
I stopped the direct breastfeeding all together and started exclusviely pumping. I was doing it every 2 to 3 hours around the clock for about 30 minutes each time. I would get up in the middle of night and pump at the kitchen counter, I would pump on the living room floor while trying to keep Sam content, I took the pump with me on road trips (battery pack!), and even went out to the car during a few dinner parties at friends' houses to do it in the back seat.
There were so many times I wanted to quit. It was inconvenient, there were so many parts to clean, and it took away from my time with Sam. I would tell myself I wanted to get to six weeks....and six weeks would come and I'd think....how about three months....then how about four months....maybe five? If only I could make it to six....
And then this hit the newsstands:
Awesome. Want to make a first time mom who is struggling with breastfeeding feel absolutely awful? Buy her a copy of this and then see how she feels. "Are You Mom Enough?" REALLY?! Really bad timing for this article to come out.
I was never a big producer, but I got enough to keep up with Sam's demands and got a little extra to freeze. I was able to give him full days worth of completely fresh milk until 4 1/2 months. Then I started into my freezer stash. I traveled home at one point and dry iced a cooler of it to check on the plane. That was a lot of milk, so I was really nervous about it melting.....but it worked and he had plenty to last for our entire two week vacation.
Sam's last bottle of breastmilk was given to him on the last day of August. So close to six months. There are so many things that seem to be considered "okay" to start doing when a baby is 6 months --- like wearing baby sunscreen and starting to eat solid foods. And it is when pediatricians say is the earliest you should consider switching to formula. I wasn't wishing for Sam to grow up, but that six month milestone felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I probably wouldn't have continued after six months even if the breastfeeding experience had been fantastic.....so at six months I took a deep breath. Whew. We made it. Well...close enough.
I still feel like it is something that I tried to do and failed. And that is just my own personal thing. My parents, my in-laws, my friends, Zach.....everyone else says I did a great job. It was just one of those things that I didn't expect to be difficult when I had a baby. In fact, I thought it was going to be the easiest part of my job as a first time mom ---- and it ended up being the toughest, most exhausting, most upsetting piece of the whole thing so far. I don't see myself as a bad mom like I did in the beginning, but I'll always wish that it would have gone more smoothly.
My advice to other new moms would be to try it if you want to, and if it doesn't work, don't beat yourself up. I got pretty upset about it often, which was such a bummer. You're trying your best. And if you want to do formula from the beginning --- fantastic! Go for it. I didn't have the guts to face the other women around me that are so obsessed with breastfeeding. That isn't the only reason I tried it and kept going, but it was definitely one of them. Do what is best for you and your family. It'll all be okay in the end.
I will most likely try again with future children....I don't think this experience scarred me too much, but I guess we'll see how I feel when the next kiddo arrives.
For now, I'm enjoying our happy, VERY HEALTHY little boy.
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